Bit bored of it all now really....

Ha ha! Only joking :o). The Kool Aid has been well and truly drunk and I'm slowly turning into a Googlebot. I blame the bagels. The fog finally lifted in Mountain View today, leaving a lovely fresh sunny day. Such a nice day that we actually had lunch outside, sat in the sunshine. Ventured out of our building to go across site to this massive restaurant. The choice was ridiculous - curries, pizzas, salads, sandwiches, Chinese... You end up with plates full of really odd combinations of food, just cos you fancy trying different things.
After lunch we went to the Google Shop as I needed some stickers to pimp my MacBook. As everyone has one, we were instructed to personalise them all so it's obvious whose is whose. I think it's pretty obvious this one is mine now -

It did seem somewhat wrong to be defacing a brand new MacBook, but I just do what I'm told. As an extra touch, there's another sticker when you lift the lid of the Google logo with Bert & Ernie as the "o"s. Shall do my best to resist the temptation to get you all Google tat from the shop for Xmas. They do produce some truly strange things! If anyone wants any Android light switch covers, then I'm your woman! Only Google employees are allowed to shop there, which made it a bit weird that the place was packed. It's a cult, I tell you.

On the way back to our office, we swung by our restaurant for dessert, only to be greeted by the first disaster of my stay - no fro yo!!! 

So instead I sampled the delights of a local San Fran delicacy - this big creamy ice-cream, sandwiched between two thick cinnamony cakey biscuits all coated in chocolate. I looked like I was doing a dirty protest by the time I'd finished it. There were so many inherent design flaws in it... The chocolate melted all over me, and then the ice-cream started to melt. The biscuity bits were too hard, so when you bit into it, all the ice-cream squirted out. Tsch! I got it everywhere. Including all over my laptop. So now it's even more customised! Bring back fro yo.

Did lots of work today as well, obviously. I've been learning how the systems work, and so today got to build my first pages, so I refreshed the phone, tablet and web stores for eBooks in Australia. So none of you will be able to see my work if it all goes wrong! Just how I like it... Oh and I've been told that I need to get a phone and tablet now in the US, as we use them for testing. I can then get a UK one if I want when I get back. I'm not used to these ways of doing things. Normally you have to beg for months to get things that are essential for your job, and you have to sacrifice your bonus to get them... This open attitude of 'what do you need? here you go' is refreshing in the extreme!

Have met so many people that I already can't remember what anybody is called. Even worse, the internal employee directory shows if someone's looked at your page, so I can't even surreptitiously snoop around that trying to work out who is who. The one good thing is that we have our own internal employee only Google Plus. So I've been using that as an invaluable tool to work out who I'm talking to.

Popped into the amusement arcade for a bit before I went to get my bus home - 

How is this normal in a place of work?!

Came home on time today as I needed to wash my hair. Have realised that my apartment really reminds me of the sets for the Paranormal Activity films, with the tiling floors, wooden kitchen units, massive bathroom mirrors.... This is not a good realisation. Come back Mr Wang, all is forgiven! Actually it isn't, as he appears to have left a load of rotting food in my fridge. Or maybe it's all going a bit Ghostbusters.... 

Got a bit freaked out as the lights were all on, but I hadn't left them on this morning.... Turns out the apartments are fully serviced, and the maid had been and cleaned the place up. So I have fresh towels, bedding and the place is all hoovered and spotless. I am so getting a maid when I get back home! Well, I'll be able to afford it as the weirdest thing about this week thus far is the fact that I haven't spent a single cent. Nada. And yet I've been living like a king! I don't think I'll ever get used to this land of plenty. All very strange.

I am missing everyone back home though. So don't think I'm not! Thanks for all the lovely emails and messages, they brighten my day.

More tomorrow

H xxx

Hi Ho Hi Ho, It's Off To Work I Go

No more induction for me today - it was straight to work. There was a massive pile up on the freeway this morning (Eng Trans: a large accident on the motorway) so there weren't many people in the office until about 11am. So I had 2 hours in which to stuff my face with bagels and get properly set up on my shiny new computer. Actually got stuck into work and meetings today. All good. Definitely think I can make a big difference here, so my initial fears are fading fast. Hurrah!
On to the stuff I can tell you about!! Went out and about with my camera today, surreptitiously taking photos - not cos you aren't allowed to, but because I don't want to look too much like a desperate fanboy. So here is my photo diary of my day....
This is the building that the rest of the team I'm on are based - Building 44

As you can see it's a shrine to all things Android. With the orange glow of my thumb in the bottom right corner.... My new friends all live outside the front of the building. Here are some more of them....

They greet me every morning as I stumble from the GBus into the happy shiny world of Google. I haven't started saying hello to them yet. Give me time....

I am working on the first floor. Only over here, just to confuse me, the ground floor is the first floor and the first floor is the second floor. But I'm not going to cause a scene about it.... The first floor is even more of a shrine to the mighty Android 

The white pod chairs are for you to sit in an either chillax, send some emails or have a nap. Seriously! If you're tired, it isn't frowned upon for you to go an have a little snooze somewhere. There are sleeping pods all over the place. Brrrrrrilliant. On the left is the toy cupboard - full of all the latest Android phones and stuff, and lots of little Android figures -

Obviously I took all these photos on my iPhone. Ahem. 

Even the toilets are Android-ed up

The Android building has recently gone from having the worst restaurant on campus to the best one - a gorgeous Japanese-themed place with loads of delicious sushi and other Oriental treats. For lunch today I had miso soup with Google ramen noodles, half a chicken, a bit of a duck and some assorted Oriental vegetables. They also do weird Japanese desserts - today's was green apple froyo (frozen yoghurt to you or I. In fact, it's like Mr Whippy). There's also a freezer full of Android Ice-Cream Sandwiches to celebrate the launch of the last OS - got to have one of those before I leave! Everything is self-service, so with my nightmare eating issues at the moment, it's perfect - I can just add the things I know I can eat. Happy Helen. Here's the dining room today - 

At the back you can see some screens, which are actually meeting rooms. In genuine Japanese style, they have little seats on the floor, and you have to remove your shoes before going in them. This is fine, if you know in advance you're going to have to take off your shoes. I didn't, so I had cat face socks on today. Not. Embarrassing. At. All.

Last photo for today is the marvel that is.... the micro kitchen. I shall post a photo and then explain all....

So.... Google law dictates that no employee should ever be more than 150ft from food. So, in addition to the full-on restaurants and cafes dotted about the campus, there are also loads of micro kitchens. As you can see from the photo, they are far from micro. And this photo was taken at the end of the day, by which point it was somewhat depleted.... At the back, from left to right are breakfast cereals (hot oatmeal, fry ups, bagels etc are available in the restaurants and cafes), then the shelves are full of nuts, crisps, chocolates, protein bars, granola bars, trail mix, etc etc. And then you've got the fridges full of every soft drink you could ever wish for. The main island in the middle is heaped up with fresh fruit. And then behind me are coffee and tea facilities, and another fridge full of yoghurts, little pots of humous, etc etc. And it's all free. Just help yourself. I'm going to end up getting arrested for shoplifting in a 7-11 at this rate - getting way to used to just going to the fridge and getting myself a can of pop! Assuming I don't get so fat that I can't actually leave my home....

I already don't want to leave. Although the UK office has the same perks. And apparently they've managed to somehow get a double decker bus into the offices to use as meeting rooms. WTF?! It's all the crazy little touches that just make it the most nuts place to work. Our building has its own amusement arcade. The one I had my induction in yesterday had its own bowling alley and a dance studio. Going to try and do some more exploring around the campus over the next few days. There's a dinosaur somewhere to go and see. And more crazy shit!

Literally amazing.

I think I'm going to like it here :o)

H xxx

No!!! Hat!!!! Til Friday!!

And lo.... on the 300th day since her first interview, Helen finally became a Noogler! Yay!!! Wish I was alert enough to be able to rejoice in the fact, but I am so fucked it's not true. It's been a REALLY long day! Needless to say there are huge parts of it that I can't tell you about, so here's the stuff I can. I appear to have ruined the weather in Mountain Valley, bringing the cold from the UK. Although, it's not as a cold as the UK (I heard of frosts this morning), it was pretty fresh and really misty this morning when I emerged into the half light at just before 7. Waited a while for the bus to turn up to take me to the Googleplex. It was 10 minutes late. It turned out later it wasn't, I'd just been sent a massively out of date timetable. But I won't hold that against anyone....
Of all the companies I've ever worked for, I have to say it's been the most seamless and impressive induction ever. Bearing in mind it took Universal nearly a week to actually get me a laptop, I realise that the bar wasn't exactly set that high, but seriously, everything is so well organised. Have had my photo taken for my 3-D ID card. Great. My nose and fivehead will look even more prominent! What's wrong with 2D?! Got my login, new laptop, all manner of links to explore and a full day of presentations from various areas of the business.
Got to sample some of the legendary cuisine at lunchtime. Blimey! Unbelievably good food! I had giant prawns coated in paprika, with chick peas, tomatoes and assorted meats. And a big mixed fruit smoothie. Apparently most Nooglers put on a fair bit of weight when they start here. Oh dear. That said, my stomach still only seems to be capable of processing one meal a day, so I may escape the Noogler curse!
Plus I also got some exercise in the afternoon. We had a break out to sample some of the fitness facilities, and I volunteered to go for a ride on the Google bikes.

As you can see from my photo (taken later on so I didn't look like a nerd), they are missing one vital component. Brakes. This is because they have coaster brakes - meaning you pedal backwards to make them stop. I'm sure I'd get used to them over time, but it was a bit of a struggle trying to get the hang of them today! Especially as I discovered today, that when I'm freewheeling down a big hill, I apparently tend to try and pedal backwards as a matter of habit. Which is fine on my mountain bike. But obviously not on one of these. Not good.
There is also a bike loan scheme for visiting employees who are here for a few weeks. So I'm going to register for that tomorrow and should hopefully have a bike to get around on in a couple of days. Can't face hiring a car and trying to drive on the wrong side of the road and in a car that's back to front! Too much for my tiny brain to cope with. So pedal power it is for me. Apparently it's possible to bike to the Googleplex from Mountain View via a very nice cycle path without the need to go on the roads - so I'm going to try and suss that out. I miss by bike, so this will be great! Plus it means I can go to a supermarket and just get out and about a bit more. I'm starting to get bored of trips to the dog parlour and the morgue already, and I've only been here a couple of days....
One key observation from today was I appeared to regress as the day progressed. It started off like the first day of Uni - with everyone asking your name, where you're from (although obviously not what A Levels you did), etc. But by the end of the day you feel like an 8 year old as your boss / mentor comes to pick you up and take you to your new home. It's like the end of a kid's party with all the grown ups in coats turning up to pick you up. But with the best goodie bag ever as it's got a MacBook Pro in it and the keys to the Google kingdom!
Best fact of the day - they have heated toilet seats. It's a small thing, but it makes such a difference. Especially after a long cold bike ride round the Googleplex.
Best stat of the day - only 0.5% of people who apply to Google get in. It's easier to get into Harvard. So, as that's clearly now a given for me, I won't need to bother applying ever, as I know I could have got a place there. Clearly. I love my degree in Logic. And I also love feeling valued and appreciated. Warm fuzzy feeling ahoy! I can see how people get sucked into the cult. But I am far too English and cynical for that.
Met lots of French people today, quite randomly, so ended up speaking a lot of French. Haven't done that in a while, but was amazed at how easily I got back into it. At least right until the moment when one of them told me how well I spoke French, at which point I seemed to completely forget everything I'd ever learnt ever. Don't praise me to my face! It makes me feel awkward and I immediately become shit to prove I'm not! Not sure why this happens. But it does.
Finally got to see my new boss for a bit at the end of the day. By which point my brain thought it was 2am and had pretty much reached capacity a few hours earlier. A winning combination. Got the shuttle bus back to my temporary home after waiting 40 mins in the cold and damp cos of my rubbish out of date timetable - here again, everyone was so apologetic about my bad experience. I really didn't mind, but everyone was so nice. It's all quite surreal! Where are the angry shouty twats? I don't miss them, but surely there must be one or two hidden away in cupboards somewhere?!
Sorry there's no Noogler hat photo yet, but we don't get them until Friday when we have TGIF with the founders of the company. If it makes it any better, and even more worth the wait, it would appear you also have to wear some kind of sign around your neck as well. Great. I think the camera on my phone will be miraculously broken on Friday.
No more induction for me tomorrow, as it's all specific to people who will be working in the US, so I'm going to be spending the whole day with my new team and getting to know how everything works. Really excited about getting stuck in finally. Whoop whoop!
So can you tell if it's really me or if I've been replaced by a clone? You decide!
H xxx

It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights....

Sunday night. Fuck. This is actually happening. It's only been about a year.... And now it's here. The opportunity of a lifetime. I can only fuck it up. Note to self - this is not a challenge!
Had a pleasant (Silicon) Valley Sunday. Fell asleep halfway through writing my diary last night. It is now a little soggy with drool / snot. And last night's entry is literally semi-legible nonsensical ramblings. Jesus I was tired. Woke up at 3am with no idea where I was. Really weird. Managed to sleep for another hour then gave up the pretence and accepted I was awake. Read for a bit. Played on my iPad and then toyed with the idea of going to San Fran on the CalTrain. Decided I couldn't be arsed as I'm still full of flu and feeling run down. So decided to stay local and go and see The Muppets at the cinema in Mountain View.
Now I know I'm biased, but it was fucking brilliant. It's really unexpectedly funny. And it has Dave Grohl in it. And Scooter works at Google. I knew I made the right decision accepting the job!
It was another gorgeous sunny day. Here is a photo of my apartment complex -

Had a note from the housing people to ask if someone could use my spare room tonight as their flight back to China was delayed. So I have a very young Chinese nerd lodging with me tonight. His surname is Wang. Pffttthhhh. His English was only marginally better than my Chinese, so we had a really weird disjointed conversation, and both smiled and nodded a lot. Hopefully he wasn't some induction communication test. If he was, I failed royally. That said, I seem to be failing royally on the communication front. It is rapidly becoming apparent that Americans don't understand English. It's like I'm speaking a foreign language. Got a cab to go see the Muppets, and asked the driver to take me to the cinema. He stared blankly at me as I repeated cinema. When I decide to translate and tell him I meant the movie theatre, the penny dropped. Seriously? Was he taking the piss?!
Other great things about my trip to the cinema.... Now that the Muppets are part of the Disney family, it means that I also got an awesome new Toy Story short before the main feature. Fozzy Bear invents fart shoes (if anyone's stuck for an idea for a Christmas present for me then there's one right there!). It has the song "Am I A Man or a Muppet" in it (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0zpxC6O7nE). Even Jack Black can't ruin it. In fact he's actually quite funny in it. Clearly because of some Muppet halo effect.
Anyway, I'm back home now. Had a shower and washed my hair so I'm all clean and shiny tomorrow. Nerves aren't too bad. Yet. I'm of the mindset to just relax, be the more professional version of myself, and just enjoy the experience. I'm sure it'll be a different story when I'm actually there living the dream, but for now I'm trying to remain calm. The only weird thing is the fact that it's been so long coming. Nearly a year. And now it's finally here, I almost can't believe it's actually happening. It dragged on for so long I kind of came to terms with the fact that it would never happen. Maybe it isn't, and I'm actually in a coma somewhere. Who knows.
Think I've sussed out the bus timetable and know what I'm doing in the morning. Have an emergency back up taxi number just in case. I shall get there on time. Certainly no chance of me oversleeping!
Big update tomorrow. Might be from me, might be from my clone. WILL YOU BE ABLE TO TELL?!?!?!
H xxx

Trying to stay awake. Why did I eat pizza?!

It is now 7.30pm. My brain thinks it's 3.30am and is not happy about only getting two hours kip last night. I am starting to hallucinate. Going to try and stay awake until 10pm. I realise this may be ambitious!
Went for a wander round my new hood earlier. It's lovely although there doesn't appear to be a grocery shop anywhere near all these lovely apartments! There's a dog parlour, two nail bars, lots of restaurants, a big Masonic lodge and the brilliantly named Spangler morgue. All very useful I'm sure, but I just want some bottles of water and diet Mountain Dew. Got tomorrow's breakfast from Starbucks, then for some reason went for pizza for dinner. A massive stodgy pile of dough is going to help me stay alert... It was delicious. But I only managed two slices as my body realised it was 1am and wanted to know what the fuck I was doing filling it with food.... So that's tomorrow's lunch sorted then!
Got a map now so can work out where everything is. May go to San Fran tomorrow - depends how early I wake up. And how shitty I feel. Really dopey at the moment with this head cold.
All unpacked and set up in my new home. I'm fairly most of my clothes are on a clothes hanger for the first time since I took them off one in the shop. I've changed... Already...
Jealous thinking you're all asleep. I want to be too! I can't go to bed before 9pm. That's embarrassing!
Laterz
H xxx

Arrived safely

Christ on a bike I'm tired. I would have been OK only for some reason the smoke alarm on the landing outside my flat kept making noises all night. Just frequently enough to stop me getting to sleep until 3am. Which considering I had to be up at 5am was not good. To add to my ordeal, I really struggle to sleep on planes. Instead I usually choose to watch a film sporadically drifting off just until the point that my head lolls to one side and I wake up shouting in surprise. Still, it didn't seem to put the charming young man who worked for Dolby sat next to me off too much. I now have someone to go for a drink with in San Fran! Result! Maybe he likes his women sleep deprived, full of snot and vulnerable....
The flight was long. Really fucking long. Watched 4 films. "We Need To Talk About Kevin" which was really good, but lots of bits of it were really quiet, so I did quite a lot of lolling and shouting myself awake in that one. Then watched "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" which I didn't realise was set in San Fran. I don't think I'll bother going to the Muir Woods to see the giant redwoods again as that's where they all now live. It must be true, it was in the film. Next up was Attack the Block, which was strictly gangster innit. And the aliens were a bit shit. And finally I went for Horrible Bosses. Can't think what drew me to that. It was surprisingly funny, with some genuine LOL moments. As in laugh out loud. Not head loll / shouty moments.
I have a stinking head cold and sore throat at the moment, so loaded up on meds at Heathrow. I somehow think it would be a tad frowned upon to phone in sick on my first day. Felt a bit like the Outbreak money / Patient Zero in Contagion as I sneezed repeatedly infecting everyone on the plane. Oh well, hopefully the irritating American woman sat behind me with her son who spent most of the flight shouting maths (sorry Math) questions at him might now shut the fuck up for a few days. Sadly I won't be there to enjoy it. Instead, I had to listen to her idiot son struggling with rudimentary maths problems until the inflight entertainment booted up.
Had some really bad turbulence once we head the mountains. It got so bad the pilot had to tell all the crew to strap themselves in as well. I made the error of opening the blinds to see what was going on and the wing was wobbling about so much that it made my knees go weird. For a minute I panicked that my jokey prophecy that, after all this time waiting to start, the plane wouldn't get there was about to come true. Luckily it didn't. My ears nearly burst with snot pressure as we came into land, but the rest of the flight passed fairly uneventfully. Got some spectacular views of the Rockies and Grand Canyon as we neared the West Coast.

Made it out to Mountain View and found my apartment complex. Miraculously the keys were in the lockbox. The only minor issue is that my new home is on the third floor and there was no lift. And I have a very large and heavy suitcase that made my tired heart beat just a little bit too fast for my liking. Still all's well that ends well. The apartments are lovely. Will add some photos in a bit. Going to go out and explore in a mo. Looks like I'm fairly central to Mountain View - just round the corner from Castro Street which looked like it was all restaurants and cafe bars. Not that I'll need anywhere to eat as I'll have Google catering to take care of me while I'm here! Seem to be fairly close to the Muni trains as well, which will take me into San Fran. Might be a step too far to do that tomorrow. Tempted to go and hang out by the pool, enjoy the sunshine and try and get rid of this head full of snot before I start work.
Right. I'd better go and unpack. Will write more later if I manage to stay awake!
The Noogler xxx

Ready to go....

As promised I've started a blog to save having to send lots of emails every day. Obviously I will send emails too, but this should hopefully provide you with some insights into what I'm up to every day. As long as the WiFi in my flat works. And assuming I can get through the elaborate process of getting my keys tomorrow. It's like a fucking Krypton Factor test involving lockboxes and secret codes. I think I've printed out the info I'll need. Oh well, I'm sure I'll find out tomorrow!
Needless to say I left getting ready until the last minute, which is why I'm still on my laptop now, uploading a load of CDs onto iTunes so I have some music to listen to while I'm away. I think I've packed everything I need. Although God only knows where my swimsuit is in my floordrobe / bedroom jumble sale. Have an old one that's a bit too big for me now, so I'll probably get arrested for indecent exposure in my first trip to the pool. The apartments look lovely with a pool and a fitness centre. I may even use the facilities. Who am I trying to kid.... This will be my home for the next three weeks -
http://www.parkplace-apts.com/
The GBus calls outside fairly regularly so I'll be getting that to work on Monday. Meeting at 8am in the Mexican Cantina. Great way to start. And then they give me the Noogler hat. I can do it. At least I'll be on the other side of the world where none of you can see me in it!
Typically I'm feeling rough as a badger's arse tonight. Got a stinking cold and a sore throat. Oh well, I get to be the Outbreak monkey on the plane tomorrow. Flight is at 9.45am so I have to be up at 5.30am or thereabouts. Joyous. So I'd better go to bed now. The next posting will be from be from California. The temperature in Mountain View is 22 tomorrow and 23 on Sunday and isn't forecast to dip below 20 for the whole of my first week. Cambridge and Manchester on the other hand is unlikely to crawl above 10. Just saying.
Bedtime. See you tomorrow.
H xxx